


The Perils of Online Dating

by ozymandias314



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Blind Date, F/F, Online Dating, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 20:24:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1239649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozymandias314/pseuds/ozymandias314
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know," Ivy said to a nearby rhododendron, "you would think that if one can mind-control people to fall in love with one, it wouldn't be this hard to get a date."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Perils of Online Dating

"You know," Ivy said to a nearby rhododendron, "you would think that if one can mind-control people to fall in love with one, it wouldn't be this hard to get a date."

It wasn't that she was unattractive. It was just that dating as a supervillain was impossible. 

There were three options: you could date a villain, a hero, or a civilian. Catwoman seemed to like her thing with Batman, but Ivy didn't know how she stood it. No one to come home to at night, no one to tuck you in when you're sick, no one to plot the destruction of all non-plant life on earth with... Sure, the sex was great, and you never had to worry about the relationship getting monotonous, but Ivy didn't just want a fuckbuddy, she wanted a partner.

You could date villains and, dear God, did Ivy want to. But it was time to face facts: every few months Pam wiped Harley's tears, bought her chocolate, watched a romantic movie like The Private Life of Plants, commiserated with her about how men were pigs, and then watched her go right home to Mistah J. And Joker and Harley's relationship was enough reason not to date any other villains. Ivy liked her arms unbroken, thank you. 

Or you could date civilians. True, civilians had this odd tendency to die at the littlest touch of a poison and then-- what was even weirder-- stay dead. But Ivy figured that once a civilian started dating her she'd end up falling in a vat of chemicals or trained by ninjas or mysteriously impervious to bullets soon enough. The real problem was meeting one. Most of the time that Ivy met them they weren't saying "you're so beautiful, would you like to get coffee sometime?" They were saying "aaaaaaah!" or "take me, not him!" or "holy shit, what are you doing with that plant?!" It just wasn't conductive to starting a serious romantic relationship. 

"There's nothing for it," Ivy said. "I'll have to try online dating." 

\--

Three hours later, Ivy's profile was set up. She was pretty impressed to discover that she could be invisible to heterosexuals, and wished she could make that happen in real life. Except instead of "heterosexuals" it should be "Kingdom Animalia."

Online dating was full of pitfalls, though. Should she say she was a supervillain and weed out do-gooders ahead of time, or claim to be a independent contractor and break the news on the fourth date? Would it be intimidating to say that she was good at being immune to all toxins, bacteria, and viruses? Was she being close-minded to rule out all vegetarians? Was it perhaps a bit excessive that all six things she couldn't live without were plants? 

\--

On her first coffee date, Starbucks gave her soy milk instead of cow, and she had to interrupt the date to punish Starbucks for its insolence by destroying every one of their stores in the city limits. Unfortunately, that scared her date off. Some women just can't handle a woman who knows what she wants. And she had to delay her next coffee date a month while they waited for all the Starbuckses to rebuild!

On her second coffee date, the woman showed up in a Batman shirt.

On her third coffee date, the woman worked for a factory that-- Pam knew-- was responsible for dumping more waste in the Gotham water supply than any other.

The fourth didn't think that The Princess Bride was a good movie and, well, Ivy might be evil, but some things were just wrong. 

"Am I just being too picky?" she asked a rose. "I mean, I want someone I really click with, you know? A partner in crime. Not just someone to come home to because I'm afraid of being alone. If I wanted that, I can just mind-control a civilian into being in love with me."

The rose was very understanding.

\--

The fifth started really well. She was cute; she looked almost like Harley, lithe and full of smiles. She liked the Princess Bride (Ivy had started asking everyone that question right off the bat-- no more surprises). She understood all Ivy's rants about environmentalism and even contributed points of her own about the terrible degradation that urban sprawl wrecked on old-growth forests. She even said that Batman was terrible totally unprompted! It was, Ivy thought, probably true love. If Ivy hadn't been looking for a serious relationship she'd mind-control her and take her as a sex slave right then and there. 

"So," Ivy said, readying herself for the big question. "what are you looking for in a relationship?"

"Well, I wouldn't say I'm looking for a relationship exactly..." Harleen hazarded.

"What?"

"Well, I have my-- boyfriend," Harleen said, "and he's looking for a little variety in the bedroom--"

The Starbucks owner was probably a little annoyed about having to rebuild because of a Poison Ivy attack twice in two months, particularly since Starbucks didn't even pollute. 

\--

That night, Ivy didn't get much time to focus on her own troubles, because Harley came over sobbing. Ivy didn't exactly get what was wrong-- Harley had rather too much snot coming out of her nose to be coherent-- but Joker had wanted something from her that she couldn't get and he got angry. And when Joker got angry, he got mean.

"You have to leave him," Ivy said. "I hate seeing you like this."

Harley sniffed into the tissue. "Puddin loves me, really he does. It's just that he--"

"Gets angry sometimes." Ivy sighed. "You deserve better."

"I couldn't find anyone better than Mistah J," Harley says. "He loves me. Even though I do everything wrong."

"Oh, Harley," Ivy said, wrapping an arm around Harley's shoulder. "Lots of people could fall in love with you." Like me. "You're-- sweet, and romantic, and beautiful."

"You're not just saying that?" Harley said. 

"Never." 

"This girl I was going out with, she was real cute, but as soon as I mentioned Mistah J she was out of there. He'd wanted me to find a girl to have a threesome with him, but I would've gone out with her even without him. She laughed at all my jokes! Puddin hardly laughs at any of them anymore. And I thought our sense of humor was what drew us together" 

"Girl?" Ivy said with a dawning sense of realization. That girl she'd gone out with had looked very familiar... 

"Harley, listen to me," Ivy said. "This is important. Did you happen to go on a date with a girl named Pamela to the Starbucks that got destroyed by a Poison Ivy attack this afternoon?"

"Yes!" Harley said. "You should tell me when you're going to attack a place, I'd have stuck around and said hi."

"Harley," Ivy said. "The girl you went out on a date with was me."

Harley stiffened. "I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't mean to... I'll just go now..."

Ivy held Harley tight, refusing to let her move. "Harley, do you want to go on a date with me?" 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-- I'm so-- do you what?"

"Do you want to go on a date with me?" Ivy asked. "Real me. Not dating-site me. World domination plans and telepathic control of plants and all."

"Of course!" Harley said. "But you don't like... humans..." Something dawned on Harley. "If you don't like humans, why were you on a dating site?"

"It looks like I'll make an exception for some humans." Ivy kissed Harley's forehead and felt a squirm of excitement in her stomach. It was better than the first time she'd killed a CEO. "The evil kind with clown-themed outfits." 

"You like Mistah J?" Harley brightened. "I bet he'd love to have a threesome with us! And he won't have to be mad at me anymore!"

Ivy sighed. 

The worst part, Ivy thought later, is that she was sufficiently besotted that she agreed.


End file.
